Why Moan About Michelle Mone?

I have nothing against Michelle Mone’s recent appointment to the House of Lords. Her sound background of keeping the nation’s tits comfortable and in an elevated position means she is particularly well suited to the role. And I won’t hear a bad word about her coronation as ‘The Start Up Czar‘ either. It’s all very well the likes of Douglas Anderson, whose firm employs 1300 people in Scotland questioning her credentials with jealous remarks like:

Her businesses have been no more than excessively over promoted PR minnows gaining unjustified acclaim due to the glamorous sector they happen to be in.

The total number of jobs she has brought to the UK will be minimal.

There is no way, by any measure, that she is qualified to advise anybody on setting up a profitable business, because quite simply, she hasn’t!

Who cares if she hardly created any jobs in the UK, as China needs jobs too. We live in a global economy. Without the likes of the Ultimo sweatshops, how else could that country have developed to such a level that we now pay it to construct our nuclear power stations? How else could they have hoarded enough cheap steel to put our last remaining plants out of business? And how else could they have grown to have a human rights abusing leader so important that Cameron has him and 1000 journalists down the local for fish and chips and a quiet pint?

Michelle Mone has so many of the skills that we need at this level that I cannot wait to see the miraculous results. For instance, it is rumoured that she is working on a facial cream that will completely eradicate the budget deficit. I was sceptical that this sort of thing was possible until I tried her U-Sculped Boobs Minus product on my rapidly advancing man cleavage. After just 8 weeks of the perversely enjoyable daily routine of massaging the product into my chest jowls, my moobs are now concave and I am minus my right nipple. Think how quickly our national debt will be eradicated with just a few tweaks to this wonderful formula.

And after the debt has gone, she is uniquely qualified to tackle the obesity crisis with her Trim Secrets Weight Loss pills. These pharmaceutical miracles, the main ingredient of which seems to be a viscous liquid, squeezed by Mone’s own hands from the squirming body of a dying serpent, work 100 percent of the time. As long as you eat 500 fewer calories a day than what is recommended and take regular exercise.

And as if that wasn’t enough, her bugging of one of her employees is invaluable experience that could be used by the security services in order keep us safe from terrorists. Her avoidance of tax by the use of EBTs will have provided valuable knowledge that can be used to go after white collar crime. And the lying she did on her CV in order to get her first job is an example to all who come from humble backgrounds of how to get ahead.

However, it was last night that she really confirmed to me that she was born to perform her new role, when she took the tough decision to vote more children into poverty.

 

 

Nobody knows the benefits of growing up in poverty like Michelle does as she revealed in 2012. In a tough upbringing she slept in a cupboard, bathed at the local swimming pool, her father was often drunk and her mother even gambled with her birthday money. However, this harsh environment is what made her what she is today. In her own words it gave her ‘Balls Of Steel’, and God only knows what her balls would be made of had she not been so lucky as to be raised in penury. And she showed yesterday in a selfless act, by voting with the Conservatives in the Lords to cut tax credits, that she would like other little girls to grow up with the chance of having the same balls as she has.

The Institute of Fiscal Studies has shown that the Conservative plan would mean that low earning working parents would be £850 a year worse off, while low earning single parents will be a whole £1000 a year worse off. This will have the result of putting thousands more children into poverty which will initiate the spontaneous development of metallic testicles in those affected – prime appendages for those interested in becoming the entrepreneurs of the future, if a slight hassle at airport security.

So, for those of you who say she is not qualified – that the Lingerie Queen has risen to fame and fortune selling the placebo products of slave labour to women desperate for reassurance in a vapid world devoid of values, that the Startup Czar represents all that is wrong with our aspirations and is exactly not the type of person who should be lauded as an inspiration.  For those who imagine her prancing around the House Of Lords like Frank McAvenie at closing time in the Savoy Nightclub, orange faced, chest out, peroxide quaffed, a bit out of her league but willing to latch onto any opportunity, I say you have got it wrong. More than anyone else she is capable of turning the UK’s fortune around. Soon the deficit will be soothed away with ointment made by overworked, suicidal foreign peasants, her pills will reduce the burden on our health service by making us all thin, healthy and attractive. And if you are really lucky you may become so poor that your emaciated daughter develops Superman’s genitalia and goes on to become a great pillar of Chinese industry. And despite all your negativity you will only have Michelle Mone to thank.

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Bobby Hainey

Joint founder of Autonomyscotland. In my spare time I enjoy Road Cycling, Munro bagging and beer.

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